Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Not a day that anyone wants to know about. If you've experienced a loss in any way, I'm sorry you had to go through it. It's not fair.

As we prepare for Baby Boy's 1st birthday celebration, I can't help but think about the pregnancy before him and what our family would be like if things had been different. Baby Boy was always supposed to be our child and be in our family. He is such a mellow little dude and definitely helps bring balance to our family. I was meant to be his mother, but I can't help think about the baby that came before him too.

October 15th

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Not a day that anyone wants to know about. If you've experienced a loss in any way, I'm sorry you had to go through it. It's not fair. As I enter the last few days of this pregnancy, I can't help but think about the pregnancy before, the one that didn't work out. If things had gone as we had planned, we'd have Goose and a nearly 4 month old. They'd be almost exactly 24 months apart.

But it didn't, and we don't. We have to be thankful for what we do have-- a healthy and hopefully happy baby growing inside of me. And we have to know that all of these things worked out this way for a reason.

I know that this is how it was supposed to be.

I'm ready to meet my healthy Baby Boy. Pray for us as we prepare to welcome him into this world, for my body to heal and recover quickly as I'm having another c-section, for his good health and happiness, for his father's continued good health, for his big sister Goose to take to the transition well. And for our cats who will undoubtedly hate us even more for bringing another kid into our home.

Thankful Thursdays

Today, I am thankful for:
1) this giant pregnant belly and the sweet boy we get to meet soon. After what happened before, it took me a long time to get attached to this pregnancy and baby. The last few months, weeks, and days have flown by and I've really enjoyed this pregnancy. I like being pregnant and I'm really going to miss it.

No Matter How Many Times You've Felt It Before

it's still a creepy little miracle to feel and see a baby moving around in your body. Every time. It's the first communication between a mother and child, and it's amazing.

Baby Boy is moving a lot lately and his movements are big enough and wild enough to be seen on the outside. J-bird feels it nightly when we're on the couch after Goose goes to sleep, or when we're in bed trying to quiet our minds and finally fall asleep. I'm loving every minute of this wild boy moving around in there. I don't know if this will be our last kid/my last pregnancy or not so I'm soaking it in.

Nesting

It's relatively early in this pregnancy for full-scale nesting, but I'm already there. I'm afraid it will break the bank, or kill J-bird, or both. I feel like there are a million things to do before Baby Boy gets here and I remember how miserable I was the last few weeks before Goose was born. I'm on a fixed schedule here.

If I wrote out the entire list of things I want to do, it would make my head spin. Right now I'm focusing on getting Goose fully moved into her big girl room (pictures soon!). We have to clean out the closet because it's full of our stuff. This is a priority because I'm starting to get clothes for Baby Boy and have nowhere to put them as her clothes are still in the nursery closet. Next is making the nursery suitable for a Baby Boy. With Goose, we did everything neutral (green walls, neutral bedding and curtains) with pink accents so we could adjust in the future. I've purchased blue canvas bins for this, and a green changing table cover (20% off coupon at Babies R Us). Now I'm on the hunt for some reasonable bins for under the changing table.

I'm also in a panic about getting everything ready for Baby Boy because I know how hard it is to get things accomplished with a newborn, and I can't imagine what it will be like in the first few weeks with Goose and a newborn. It will be amazing and wonderful, but also exhausting and terrifyingly difficult at times. Pray for us.

If that's not enough anxiety, I am having difficulty separating J-bird's health crisis and the Goose's birth since they feel like the same event to me, happening only 3 weeks apart. So I find myself making a giant list of stuff for J-bird to do before Baby Boy is born in case he's not able to help as much due to his health. There's no reason for me to think he won't be well and able to help, just my own mind associating birth with J-bird's near-death.

If all of this isn't mental enough, I've hidden the crib skirt from myself and cannot find it anywhere. We would have taken it off the crib when we lowered the mattress to the lowest position-- when Goose started standing in her bed-- well over a year ago. The missing crib skirt is making me nuts. Where could I have put it?

Quiet lately. Here's why.

I've been quiet lately regarding my personal life. Why? Because we're having another baby!!!

photo courtesy of Breibeest

After our previous loss, I wanted to wait until what I considered a safe zone before I told anyone outside of closest friends and family about our little miracle. I feel safe(r) now and decided that I'm ready to tell the world. We're having a baby BOY this fall! A boy!

I'm over halfway to baby and I'm just now feeling pregnant. I'm just now letting myself be pregnant. I'm just now believing that we're adding another person to our family. Even though I've been showing for weeks now (I tend to show early), I've been hiding out so I don't have to say, "Yes, I'm pregnant, due this fall." I didn't want to jinx it. I still don't.

I'm still nervous, and it's sad that I can't enjoy this pregnancy with the naivete that I had when I was pregnant with Goose. Even though he looks healthy from the scan and I feel him move all day (and night), I still hesitate to buy baby boy clothes or really work on converting the nursery to a boy room for fear that something will happen and we won't be bringing home a healthy baby after all.

I could worry myself sick day and night thinking of all the things that could happen to our baby boy, or to me. I have to choose not to do that, not to go there. I have to have a little faith that we won't be given more than we can handle. I have to believe that we'll experience another healthy and happy miracle this fall, and our family will grow to four strong.

I'm having a baby. It's a boy.