What's in a Name?

[I will post about the birthday party-- a great success-- later this week. Apparently it was so much fun that we forgot to take many pictures so I'll need to get some pictures from my father-in-law.]

Google "Amal Clooney" and you'll get a long list of search results, many of those are about her name change. I saw a linked story on my Facebook feed this morning and started thinking about her name change, feminism, my name change, the grocery list... You know, random shower thoughts. The flow of thoughts that seemingly pour out through your scalp while you're blowdrying your hair. 

I changed my name, without hesitation, when the Mr. and I got married nearly 9 years ago. I had no connection to my maiden name, the name from my father, as he has been almost completely absent from my life. So in my mind I was changing my last name from a name that didn't mean much, given to me by a man who was essentially a ghost, to a name that I had some part in choosing since I was choosing to be with my husband, to follow him where he goes, until the end. We're together, we're a team. Where you go, I will go, and where you stay, I will stay. Your people will be my people...  

Just because I changed my name when I got married doesn't mean I think that women who don't change their names are any less married, any less committed. It also doesn't make me any less of a feminist. Even though I stay at home with the kids, our roles feel quite equal. He's the one who makes the kids' birthday cakes! And I handle the money and take out most of the trash. How less gender-typical can we get? 

Had I been attached to my maiden name (what an odd, somewhat antiquated term anyway), I could have kept it as my middle name, or suggested hyphenation. But that's a lot of letters to write and I didn't want that for myself or my (at the time) future children. I gladly accepted his name without thinking that I was losing any of my identity. But I cannot stand for someone to address mail to Mrs. Husband's Name. The name change was frankly the last thing on my mind when we decided to get married. I was thinking of how to handle holidays and how we'd handle shared finances and how to be a wife. 

And now that we have kids who are going to school, I'm Little Lady's Mom or Sweet Boy's Mom. I'd wager that most of the time the kids' teachers couldn't think of my name. How many times have you sat with the same moms at dance class or music class, talked about everything under the sun for weeks on end, and never even know their names, just their kids' names? Talk about losing your identity. Are feminists worried about unknowingly surrendering their identities to their children? 

Changing your name does not transform your identity at the time of your marriage. You find your new self in learning to be a true partner to someone.  

Thankful Thursdays

Today, I am thankful for:
1) These little beauties from IKEA. Definitely made my life better. I buy in bulk when we go to IKEA. We've given them to several friends and family. Yes, that good.

2) Simple meals, like pasta and a can of diced tomatoes with salt and pepper. 

3) My wonderful husband of 5 years. Though I don't believe we had to get married to commit to one another, we had to get married to gain access to other benefits-- health insurance, legal and medical decisions, less complicated taxes. Love and children, if that's what you choose and then are given, are more binding than a marriage certificate. But I'm still glad I had the right to marry the person I love.

4) SUSHI! Even the sushi at our Kroger is rocking.

5) Our backyard, it's part of why we bought this house. It's finally green and blooming and I can't wait to get out there and freshen it up for the summer.


What are you thankful for today?

Personal Finance: Couple Money

"It's good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it's good, too, to check up once in a while and make sure that you haven't lost the things that money can't buy." - George Lorimer

Money is one of the major sources of conflict in a marriage or other similar arrangement. (Don't get me started on my ideas about marriage... that's another post entirely.) J-bird and I decided in the beginning, before we got married, how we would handle our married money.

We lived together before we were married (gasp!), but we didn't merge our money until we were legally bound to one another. In our days of sin, we kept our money separate and each of us were responsible for bills based on what we earned. We sat down and negotiated those responsibilities when we decided to live together. Whatever other money we were able to spend freely. Unfortunately, in the early days, there wasn't really any extra money so we didn't fight about that. On top of almost no extra money, J-bird had $10K in credit card debt, most of which he accumulated while we were dating but not living together. I refused to help him pay any of it until we were married. You know, just in case.

So we had student loans and a good amount of credit card debt when we got married. We decided how we would set up our finances on a car ride home from visiting parents, where most of our good financial conversations still take place.

Our plan for accounts, and what we still do today:
1 joint checking account to pay all household bills, joint purchases, etc
2 other joint checking accounts for allowance
1 joint savings account for our emergency fund and other big purchases

Credit cards
We kept our separate credit cards, adhering to the rules that joint purchases are discussed and individual purchases on credit cards must be reimbursed from allowance accounts. I also became an authorized user on J-bird's "big" card that we now use for our daily purchases and pay off every month.

Allowance Accounts
With our allowance accounts, we used to each get the same amount every month. Now, I get less as I don't need money to eat lunch with work colleagues. I can take my allowance money out of the bank and light it on fire if I want and J-bird can't say a thing about it. That's the rule for allowance money.

Debt
We worked like crazy to pay off $10K in credit card debt and some medical debt that was incurred after we married. Pasta and potatoes for dinner, no real extras. 15 months after we married, it was gone! That was huge because we weren't making any money at all.

Of course, that debt freedom was relatively short-lived because as soon as we saved money for a down payment and J-bird got a better job, we bought a house and a car, had a baby, and shifted to one income. :) All of that occurred within a 15-month span.

We're still committed to no credit card debt. We have a car loan (which we're working to pay off ASAP), a mortgage, and student loans. All other debt is pretty silly in our book. And in addition to continuing to build our emergency fund (I'd love to have a year's expenses), we've also started saving more for our retirement and for Goose's education.

I'm the Chief Financial Officer (CFO) for the family but that's because I'm a bit of a control freak and won't let J-bird handle it. Also, when I moved in, he had several late bills, which I just could not understand. How do you pay a bill late? So it just makes more sense in regards to personality and time commitment for me to continue to handle our finances. We discuss goals and long-term plans together, but I manage the day-to-day handling of our finances on my own and without consultation.

And for the first time in our lives together, we have a real budget that we're actually trying to stick to. So far, so good, though there is always room for improvement. 

This system works for us, but we realize that it's much like parenting--you do what works for your situation. We really haven't fought about money all this time, after nearly 5 years of wedded bliss. The most recent topic of discussion is that I'm too frugal but I don't think there is such a thing. :) I'm the saver, J-bird is the spender. We know our roles and fully acknowledge what that means for us.
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How do you handle your "couple money"? What advice would you give others?