Borrowing Trouble

The fall semester starts on Wednesday, and my class (well, one of my two classes) starts on Thursday. I've been counting down the days of freedom remaining for the past month. Last night I had a hard time falling asleep. This morning, I had a hard time catching my breath, easing the tightness in my chest. In the big picture for our family, these two classes don't matter. I just have to finish. Why am I in such a panic?

I'm anticipating the stress of the semester. Two classes. Two babies. I'll be at school for four hours two nights each week. And the homework and reading. Oh, the reading. When will I do it all? 

The problem with school is that I feel like no one is getting what they need from me. Goose and Baby Boy aren't getting a less-stressed mom during the day, J-bird isn't getting time with his wife in the evenings. My house is certainly not getting the attention it needs. I am pulled in every direction and I can't satisfy anyone, myself included. I enjoy school and being in a classroom, with professors who offer praise or constructive comments on a written assignment. I need the validation of the classroom experience. I get something from school that I don't get at home. It's not a criticism, not a shortcoming of anyone or anything. It just is. Yet every minute I am there, in the classroom, thinking, discussing, growing, I feel like I'm creating tension and stress for my family at the expense of my husband and children. 

I don't really know what the answer is. Getting up before everyone and staying up later will be part of it, but I need to sleep sometime. Doing more housework during the day will be part of it, but I have to play with and engage my children sometime. Reading and writing after bedtime will certainly be a nightly deal, but I have to spend time on my marriage too. There simply aren't enough hours and I just hope my family can bear with me for two more semesters. Two. More. Semesters. And mama will have a master's degree. 

Half of my education was paid for by my former employer and completed before Goose was born. The second half, we paid for out of pocket--something my husband likes to remind me of from time to time. And I like to remind him that during the time I've completed that last half, here's what's happened in our family: 2 bowel resections, 2 pregnancies, 1 miscarriage and D&C, 1 (rather painful) c-section and our sweet Baby Boy, and a multitude of parenting and personal lessons learned.

We survived all of that, surely we can survive two more semesters. Damnit, I'm doing this!

We're doing this.


  1. I haven't had all the medical drama, but feel the same way you do about going to school. Knowing you aren't alone and your feelings are valid doesn't offer much relief, but I hope you know that others do understand and will pray. I hope your school load is lighter than anticipated and everyone transitions easily.

  2. You are a rock star! You are giving the best you can to all the demands on you, and your kids are learning from your example of hard work and many capabilities as well as your interaction. You're a master - more than just on paper!